2010-11 NHL Season Predictions - In Stereo!

Well, it's that time folks. A summer of handwringing as I watch the Cubs and gaze longingly at the calendar has come to an end. My liver is prepped for many a night of shots every time Turco passes to the wrong player. The Stanley Cup's been engraved (twice for Versteeg), and soon four lovely banners will be hanging from the rafters at the United Center. IT'S HOCKEY TIME!

As many a blogger has done this week, I have come up with my predictions for the 2010-11 NHL season. I didn't pore over the stat sheets from last year and meticulously scrutinize every trade, free agent signing and cap clearing player move (*koffHuetkoff*) in the offseason. In fact, I predict no less than a dozen times before November I'll be watching a game and exclaim, "Wait, I thought he was on [insert team name here]!" But I didn't throw at a dart board to guess either - all the dart boards were taken and are in Colin Campbell's office. Here they are for posterity - I'm sure we'll all have a good laugh when we look at them again next April.



Eastern Conference

Atlantic

1. Pittsburgh Penguins
• SIDNEY CROSBY! SIDNEY CROSBY! SIDNEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!1!
2. Philadelphia Flyers
• Betcha they wish they would have taken a closer look at getting Niemi. According to my FHL, Jocelyn Thibault is a free agent.
3. New Jersey Devils
• And you thought the Blackhawks had cap issues. At this rate they'll be getting the beer vendors to play on the fourth line. 
4. New York Rangers
• Over/under on the number of games Sean Avery gets suspended this year? I'll take the over on three.
5. New York Islanders
• I hear they put those little pine tree air fresheners all over the Nassau Coliseum to try to get that decrepit arena smell dissipated in the offseason. 

Northeast

1. Boston Bruins
• Why does the NHL Network still run those Tim Thomas commercials? He's the American version of Cristobal Huet.
2. Buffalo Sabres
• I'll admit I've fallen under "American Hero" Ryan Miller's squishy-lopsided face's spell. He's going to have to carry this team (again).
3. Montreal Canadiens
• So who gets burned in effigy first? Carey Price or Brian Gionta?
4. Ottawa Senators
• I just checked the goaltenders on their roster. Eesh. 
5. Toronto Maple Leafs
• I predict Kris Versteeg & Phil Kessel will combine for 140 points. Unfortunately, the rest of the team will only score 139. 

Southeast

1. Washington Capitals
• I hope Ovechkin licks a flag pole before the Winter Classic and Mike Green has to rip it off ala A Christmas Story. 
2. Tampa Bay Lightning
• I miss Dan Ellis and his problems on Twitter.
3. Atlanta Thrashers
• They put Dustin Byfuglien back on D. I didn't know a bunch of blind hyenas are the management of the Thrash. 
4. Carolina Hurricanes
• Well hey, at least they get the All Star Game this year. 
5. Florida Panthers
• Dale Tallon can look at his shiny new Stanley Cup ring in the luxury suites as he tries to ignore the Panthers on the ice below. 

Western Conference

Central

1. Chicago Blackhawks
• It'll be a rough start, but I think we'll come out on top of the division in the end. What, did you really think I would pick the *Red Wings*?
2. Detroit Red Wings
• The Red Wings will have an extended losing streak when it's discovered an Old Country Buffet has opened next to the Joe and half the team skips games for the early bird special. 
3. St. Louis Blues
• A great goalie and a bunch of shitbags > a great goalie and forwards that can't score. 
4. Nashville Predators
• See above.
5. Columbus Blue Jackets
• I still hate your fucking cannon. 

Pacific

1. LA Kings
• As long as they don't work Jonathan Quick until he turns into silly putty, I think the Kings take the Pacific crown (I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE). 
2. San Jose Sharks
• I still love you Nemo but goalie with trampolines for pads + crappy defense = GAA over 3. 
3. Phoenix Coyotes
• Toews Face > Doan Face
4. Anaheim Ducks
• Are we sure Teemu Selanne hasn't been mummified yet?
5. Dallas Stars
• Poor Adam Burish. 

Northwest

1. Vancouver Canucks
• So who's planning the Northwest Division Champs parade route?
2. Colorado Avalanche
• Were Craig Anderson & Darren Pang separated at birth?
3. Calgary Flames
• Olli Jokinen? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
4. Minnesota Wild
• Still think signing with Minny was a good idea Marty?
5. Edmonton Oilers
• I just realized all my comments for this division are questions. Do I really need to say anything about how terrible the Oilers will be?

Playoff Seedings:


West:

1. Canucks
2. Blackhawks
3. Kings
4. Sharks
5. Red Wings
6. Avalanche
7. Coyotes
8. Blues

Let's be honest - the Canucks will come on top of the conference because the level of competition within their division is cake compared to the Central & Pacific. I think the Blues sneak in as the eight seed, but if Halak shits the bed, look for the Preds to take their place. 

East:

1. Capitals
2. Penguins
3. Bruins
4. Flyers
5. Sabres
6. Devils
7. Canadiens
8. Lightning

The Capitals have even an easier time in their division than the Canucks, so expect them to again steamroll to the President's Trophy. Thusly, they'll be bounced out of the playoffs by round two. Spots 4-6 could be any order of those three teams as I think they'll be close. The Rangers could squeak into the eight spot, but I won't hold my breath. 

I won't make any playoffs predictions, as that's still too far away and I'm sure I'll be way off anyway. I will predict your 2011 Stanley Cups Finals - Chicago Blackhawks vs. Boston Bruins. That would be EPIC. You can guess who I'd pick to win ;)